Connecting Without Touch
Principles of human connection.
As the earth revolves around the sun, and the moon around the earth, human connection is remarkable in that often no contact is required, though touch is a source of both deep intimacy and great harm.
In individualistic cultures where we glorify self-reliance and optimization, it would be nice if we could do all of our healing and connection on our own. The reality of human biology does not appear to work that way. As Robert Waldinger’s work on longevity demonstrates, the quality of one’s relationships is among the strongest predictor of overall lifespan and wellbeing. There is a saying in therapeutic circles that if we are wounded in relationship, we heal in relationship.
So what is it to connect with another human?
For nearly the past decade, I've been involved in growth work communities and co-lead a group of men each week. For a while it was difficult to articulate the benefits of participation despite a visceral sense of meaning and aliveness. Put another way, it is one of my most reliable sources of human connection. This piece is also informed by my longtime involvement in Conscious Relationship Trainings, led by Phil Teertha Mistlberger. Doug McKegney, an elder member with over three decades of men's work history, wrote a piece about his observations. Upon some reflection, I contend these are some important capacities underlying authentic human connection that go beyond personal growth containers.
What are these principles?
Paraphrasing McKegney’s original article, it involves three elements: deep listening, speaking honestly, and agreements for the other two to happen.
Listening
What is it really to truly listen to another human being? In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the fifth habit suggests “seeking first to understand before being understood”. Methods like Rogerian or active listening are effective practices in developing this capacity. In a nutshell, it's the ability to repeat what the speaker has said back to them to their own satisfaction before responding. This requires curiosity, presence and patience. There's also a term called holding space where one is able to simply witness another's experience. In a way it's a kind of relational mindfulness meditation and is a wonderful way to connect. While paying attention to another, remain centered in your own experience and notice bodily sensations, emotions and thoughts that arise without interrupting.
Speaking
While there are layers of connecting that depend on context, at the heart of connection is emotional resonance and transmission. Let us consider the phenomenon of celebrity worship. Why do people love their favorite actors, musicians, athletes and comedians so much? Through their works, their fans feel something. And so it is with you. Authentic communication is infused with the fragrance of the speaker’s emotional state. As the Emerson quote goes, “Who you are speaks so loudly, I can’t hear what you’re saying.” There is a statistic in communication theory that words only account for 7% of meaning, while 38% to tone of voice, and 55% to nonverbal factors. In men’s groups, it is encouraged to speak directly from the heart about what’s going on in the man’s life – both his struggles and his wins. This requires one to vulnerably expose oneself to the group; this in turn both needs and grows courage and trust. Depending on disposition, it also entails quieter men to speak their mind to counteract their tendency to passively sit back and withhold, while outspoken types will have their self-absorptive tendencies confronted by the group. And while I share my experience from men’s work, I imagine this extends beyond that.
Agreements
While trust fosters deep connections, showing one’s depth engenders trustworthiness. And though history is important, sometimes it takes no time at all. I’ll always remember the kindness of a stranger who gave me a ride from Vienna to Budapest as she shared rather intimate details of her life. Vulnerability is contagious and sometimes life moves at the speed of trust as we sped along the highway.
Another observation is that many of us form our personal relationships more through happenstance than intention (e.g. school and work), though business relationships tend to be more transactional. Regardless of whether the terms are explicit, often there are unspoken agreements in place. In my experience of growth communities, strong commitments create a space where deeper listening and speaking can happen. Confidentiality and consistency are the currency upon which trustworthy containers are built, and that can be as simple as showing up on time and demonstrating the integrity to do what one says.
One last thing I’ll mention is that among the most powerful ways I’ve connected with another is to simply exchange silent eye contact. No words required. While generally associated with attraction and romance, try it sometime with a trusted friend, or with someone you would like to experience deeper connection, if you’re feeling brave. See what happens, though reader discretion is advised.