Rediscovery Of The Obvious

The breakdown and recovery of human connection

I closed my last piece with parting advice to “get connected.” But what does connection even mean?

Let us begin with a brief discussion around dysfunctional connection.

While there are various theories, the biopsychosocial model contends that connection and addiction are related while taking into account biological, psychological and social factors, as the name implies.

Having experienced patterns of addiction as a young man with this vague sense of looking for something I couldn’t quite articulate, I have empathy and compassion for those who need it spelled out more explicitly and may not know where to begin. Like rediscovering the obvious, connection and community were what I sought.

With the increasing sophistication of modern technology, it seems commensurately commonplace to insulate ourselves and become numb to deeper needs and wants as we placate more superficial ones. As author Benjamin Hardy says, “we are kept from our goal not by obstacles but by clear paths to lesser goals,” hence the problematic nature and dark side of curiosity that results from a constant drip of stimulation via endless scrolling, pinging, one-click shopping and on-demand entertainment to assuage even the slightest discomfort of boredom. 

So then, what is it to connect?

In broad strokes, we can organize connection into three categories – self, other and world.

Referring to John Vervaeke as I have in the past, in episode 36 on the perennial problems – to elaborate on dysfunctional connection, he categorizes disconnection with self as anxiety, with others as alienation, and with the world as absurdity.

For the sake of scope, let’s address connection with self.

One of the primary needs as human beings is to be lovingly witnessed and accepted. It seems much of our tribulations stem from episodes where that fundamental need isn’t met during our development.

What then is it to connect with oneself?

Brent Charleton, a former therapist turned executive coach, has developed a very elegant framework. One element of his model is his straightforward definition of reality that consists of your thoughts, feelings, body and behavior.

It would follow then that to connect with oneself is to lovingly witness and accept one’s own reality – one’s thoughts, feelings, body and behavior. The logic of self-compassion and Buddhist practices like loving-kindness meditation directed towards oneself becomes evident here.

Easier said than done, perhaps, but simple enough. As Socrates said, the beginning of wisdom is to know yourself. And by knowledge, consider going beyond propositional or semantic knowledge. Examining one’s behavior and habits of attention, time and other finite resources can inform us much about ourselves.

I imagine this is why practices like mindfulness, meditation and journaling freely, about one’s dreams would be several avenues fostering self-connection. Other artistic pursuits like the performing (music, dance, drama, etc.) and visual arts would also serve as likely conduits into self-connection and knowledge.

Next time, I’ll address the ripe topics of connecting with others and the world.